Thursday, December 18, 2008

This Week On the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

This week on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Merlin Castell comes in with whip in hand, picking models for his couture show. Crystal is called "too commercial" and Merlin has difficulty with the models' walks and looks. Chandler calls Traci a slut and Janice has a little chit-chat with him, an the next day Crystal is picked, along with a bunch o' others, for the Merlin show. Cindera Che comes to show the models how to be sexy and drama ensues when Crystal picks Chandler to dance on and Xian picks Danny. Later, the guys talk about who the prettiest model is, and Paul digs Traci while Chandler reveals he slept in the pool boat with Crystal. Ooo! Paul confesses to Traci his true feelings and she shuts him down (but not without a delightfully awkward kiss) and the Merlin show goes without a hitch.
How many plastic lips does one woman need?
Howdy folks. What's shakin'? I want to apologize to you loyal readers for consistently misspelling Janice Dickinson's name. Yeah, I'm an idiot. Wait, let me prove to you I'm awesome: does anyone have a bear? 'Cause I'll wrestle it.
This weeks episode starts with Paul Villancourt swoooooning over Mallrat Traci. You know Paul? He's the insecure shorty who looks like a Ken doll. Yeah, we'll see what Trace face says later. For now, let's delve right into the next crazy publicity-stunt casting. And this week- it's couture with a side of CRAZY. Well, mostly just crazy. With a side of leather whip and optional pepper spray (I carry it around with me at all times, just in case I need something peppered).
Merlin Castell, said couture designer enters the JDMA model stable looking for fresh young girls to kidnap and bring back to his lair. And by lair, I mean, under his gay, gay drawbridge. And by drawbridge I mean horse and carriage of the mind. Cripes, this guy is APESHIT.

For real, though, this guy is like 5'2 Coming to a model house near you.
Anyhoo, Merlin comes in and promptly makes Janice get him a martini. Okay, maybe I sorta like him, if he didn't look like he was out of Grey Gardens.
See? couture headwraps make people crazy.
Merlin wants a "Barbarella"-themed couture show, but as the girls parade their gawky selves around Merlin is less than impressed. He somehow wants these dough-brained models to walk like, I dunno, weird brokeback hooker horses. What gives? Merlin, they're pretty, skinny models on a T.V. show. It's like asking the Hills girls to do, I dunno, a rap video. Sure, they were put on this earth to disgust and entertain the masses, but they're really only around to be quiet, gossipy and uncreative. Merlin says the girls walk like "soccer players?" I don't even know what that means. Maybe Merlin ate to many magic beans or golden eggs or some shit. Honestly.
J Dick parades out her prize stallion, Crystal Trueheart, and Gremlin calls her "too commercial." Really? because I think she looks like a Bratz doll, especially when her hair's all foofy.
Is Crystal's hair for hire? I think I need some dishes scoured.
Merlin keeps touting this damned show, calling it "20 minutes of orgasm." Really? What counts as an orgasm for a Merlin? Wait, let me consult my Slimer Ecto-cooler. Ecto-cooler, what say you? What? I'm awesome. Okay, cool. Not an answer to my question, but I'll take it. Slurp.
God, Merlin and his bizarre, cirque-de-soliel style of fucktasm is going to haunt my dreams. Really, this JDMA is getting me to the core. But then Merlin calls Xian and Traci overweight, so maybe I like him.
Fatty Patrol.
Merlin and his crew of merry men are unimpressed by Janice's models, but that doesn't phase them from getting the publicity that they so feel they deserve.

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